09.27.08

Depression:
depression |diˈpre sh ən|
noun
1 severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

Based on this definition, I'm positive I suffer from depression. Maybe even clinically. People around me don't believe me. Well, maybe they believe me, but they would rather just handle by telling me that I'm not.
It comes in waves. Its not ALL the time. Lingering over my shoulder. It just came about again this evening. I was sitting around waiting... God waiting. The word alone is depressing. Waiting is never associated with anything positive. WAIT is. Waiting, never.
So I called my friend to ask when he would be at this place I was waiting to go to. He said he was at a birthday dinner with this girl, who I know I am not REALLY a friend of. I mean, I feel like she is curtained. She pretends to be my friend. But she hates me. Or dislikes me. Hate is a strong word. But she has the right to. I wish she would be straight though. Either way people I know are there, and I wasn't invited.
I thought I had friends in this city. And by friends I mean people I can rely on. But I don't. And I know I bring this on myself. This is what is depressing about the situation.
I just looked through my phone trying to find someone to talk to. It was useless. I have a phone full of numbers that (my H key falling out-hhnhhhhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) I never call. I guess thats what really just tipped me over the edge. I guess I am moving to London because I have nothing here to lose. The people I rely on all live 3000 miles away. And they are even annoyed by me it seems.
Not that people here are annoyed by me. I just don't fulfill the standards they need in a friend. And I guess the feeling is mutual.
I don't have any answers for myself. Usually one side of my brain is sensible. And then there is a balance. But right now I feel blocked. Flooded. Spoiled. Selfish. Angry. Lonely. Pathetic. Annoyed. Hopeless. Wasted. Empty. Full.
SPOILED.