I need to step back:
Let me start by saying that I did write yesterday. This blog is more of a form of practice for me, as a writer, than as a public forum to attract an audience. However, what I wrote was maybe too harsh, and I could quite possibly have offended someone, so I avoided that all together by keeping it to myself. I will definitely use the subject, the character, in a script or a story someday, and I will paint him as he is. Ugly, on the outside and especially on the inside.
I needed to write today to vent thoughts about myself, and my inability to communicate face to face. It has repeatedly lead me down a path of actions which I would otherwise detest.
In the last year, as I have grown more lonely, I have become addicted to cruising Craig's List Personals. I get drawn in to the mysterious longing of the missed connections, and the overt sexual gratuity of Men seeking Women. I have posted in these personals as well. I once actually had a missed connection completed, but I was bothered by the guy's behavior when I actually met him. To say the least I was let down. I ended up getting along with his friend better, but was completely bored by both of them.
The other times I posted under Women seeking men. During the first round I sought out humor.
Humor is what I got in the form of a long term instant messaging relationship. It was fun, and it lasted about two months, maybe three. We finally met, and I wasn't exactly pleased with his physical appearance. Call me picky. We only hung out that one time, and have occasionally emailed back and forth since.
More recently, I posted in response to a crush that was unfulfilled, and lasted no longer than two weeks. I pretty much wrote down the qualities I liked in him, and waited for a response. Now to make this understandable, one of the primary details was his affection for comic books. So you can imagine the responses. Most of the people that got back to me I didn't bother with. But I ended up talking to one guy, and eventually agreed to meet up with him at a roof top party in Bushwick. All in all it was ok, but I found him boring, and he was also shorter than me, which always puts me off. He started leaving me odd messages from this point on. I didn't respond. I was annoyed by the fact that he would tell me the exact date and time he was calling, because the automated voice before the message does that anyways. He also continuously suggested getting "coffee" which I always hate because its such a bullshit cliche. He also preferred saying "coffee" in a stereo typical New York accent. He would also say lets get a drink, but I couldn't even handle a beer. Probably because he was pint sized. Regardless it lead to him sending me a message online, which I finally, honestly, rejected. There was no point in cutting corners.
After these two experiences I should have given up. But I didn't. I had been so lonely lately, that I decided to pursue pure sex and affection. This was made clear in my latest posting. Now, in any given episode of Law and Order SVU, this would have lead to me getting raped and murdered. But I didn't. It lead to me meeting up with Mr. Lee for drinks last night. As I sat at the bar waiting, and contemplating why I had once again fallen into this awkward situation, my fear was that an awkward rotund Chinese man would walk through the door. But he didn't
To my surprise a very handsome Chinese man walked into the bar. He was nice, and intelligent, but yet again, I was lost. He seemed bored. I kept trying to keep the conversation rolling. At one point I even asked him point blank if he was bored. He said no, he was just drunk. I found that hard to believe. It lead to me feeling like one of those characters you view from the mans perspective in a movie. She is talking, and he is nodding, but really he is invested in other thoughts. It was uncomfortable.
So, after these episodes of disaster created though CL personals, I officially wave it farewell. I am saying my goodbyes. It is over. I do not care anymore. I would rather be lonely than face this awkwardness and embarrassment ever again.
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