Kick Myself In the Face Why Don't Me?

A Series of Relationships With Fictional Characters:
I have started reading this book, Things I’ve Learned from Women Who’ve Dumped Me. It’s a collection of essays and stories written by various comedians and writers. A lot of them reflect on their past relationships, and how they have come to where they are now. I was just in the shower, and reflecting on what stops me from developing a healthy relationship that I can be thoroughly invested in. And there is one particular reoccurring chapter in my life that I have come to accept as part of who I am.
It started to when I was… probably about 11 years old. My friend Rachael and I decided to officially commit to our fantasy obsessions. She was in love with Ryder Strong from “Boy Meets World” and I had become involved with none other than Jonathan Taylor Thomas, ala “Home Improvement.” And so the pile of Tiger Beat and Teen Bop magazines grew. I even converted my friend Ayla (Who would become an important brace for my obsessions). My walls were adorned with photos of him, as if I was creating a sort of alter. At one point, I even wrote him a fan letter, and asked highly important questions, such as “What was it like doing the voice for Simba in the Lion King?” I eventually got a response (Obviously written by someone else or even printed?) and just in case you are on the edge of your seat, it was apparently “Fun.” The creepy guy at my local Video Store, Dave, who over bred his dog and pretty much only played the “Back to the Future” trilogy on loop, attempted to buy the letter (actually it was more like a postcard with a picture and autograph) off me. But I declined. To me, it was priceless.
By the time I was 12, I moved on to Daniel Johns of Silverchair. This was my edgy phase, and Rachael really beat me on the rock star vibe. Her dedication to the “edgy cause” lasted well through 15, until she became a diehard rap fan and remains so today. Regardless, I was edgy! I didn’t wash my hair, and I can positively confirm that I once rubbed the grease out of potato chips and thoroughly rubbed it into my scalp. My mom was not too keen on that move. We also tried smoking cigarettes in the most pathetic of ways. Moving on: Daniel Johns was an angel to me. I would stalk up on VHS tapes and record television performances, rewinding moments when he sang. I felt as though he sounded perfect. And rather than buying Tiger Beat, I went for Rolling Stone and a bevy of other music magazines. My lust for him was intense. I think I came to understand what sexy meant during our “relationship.”
At 13, Romeo and Juliet, and Leonardo DiCaprio came into my life. This may have been my first true love, in a way. Again, as with the other two, a new wall of praise went up. In my 14th year, I must have watched Titanic more times than I would like to remember. My best friend Catie thought I was crazy. Although we generally liked the same music, she wouldn’t dare watch R & J. She was really into horror movies. I was not. I think I saw most of them through the slits of my fingers. My infatuation carried on, until “Man in the Iron Mask” came out. I think that reason should be understood, without detail.
When I was 15, I fell in love with Ad Rock from the Beastie Boys. I am actually quite proud of this one, though it didn’t last long, as he was in his mid 30s. I had to accept the fact that we would never be. I made a super awesome Beastie Collage… It makes me wonder if it’s still buried under boxes at my mom’s house. Someday I will have to look for it. Oh, and on top of all this, my best friend Ayla joined me in all my obsessions. She was on board, no less than I. Though I took wall decoration to a higher level… I think. We also played Barbie’s for WAY too long.
Now comes the biggest MOST intense fantasy love I have ever experienced. Justin Timberlake. Why did my 16 year old self love JT so much? Well, for many reasons. His mad skillz whilst dancing. His super sweet ability to beat box. His corn rows! Actually, I wasn’t too big on the corn rows. He rocked a major white boy fro at the time though. His style was actually quite disastrous now that I look back and think about it. But I was intensely in love with him. He was cute, talented, and age appropriate! My parents were divorced, and I went back and forth from their houses. So of course, I needed a praise wall for each house. The one at my mom’s house (where I went to school) was a work of art. It was the Sistine Chapel of teenage girl obsession walls. I recorded and rewatched all sorts of TV appearances. I learned the dance moves from the N’SYNC videos. And, of course, went to see them in concert. My infatuation actually fell off a bit after the concert, once I realized what kind of crowd I was being lumped into as a fan. I guess I felt I was above them. As if I would have actually had a chance at dating him if given the opportunity to meet him face to face. I especially liked his sense of humor. I remember thinking he was very witty, on top of all his other winning qualities. So did Ayla. We would stand inches away from my tiny early 80’s dial TV, giggling and blushing. I think, IN FACT I know, that one night, in my desperate longing, I cried because I knew it would be impossible to ever be with him. If I do meet Justin Timberlake ever, in my life, I would for a moment get excited like my 16 year old self. But mostly, I would look him dead in the eyes, and say, “I lost a year of real boyfriends and actual physical contact with guys because of you.” He would probably laugh, uncomfortably, and say, “I don’t think that was my fault.” My fantasy version of him would be quite right!
At age 17, I had a real boyfriend. Though I remember thinking he had a Timberlake-esk smile. He was a decent guy. My first love I suppose. I don’t know what kind of love it was, but it was ok, until he apparently cheated on me, and then left for college. My senior year, I dated a guy who I was intensely in love with. But he too crushed my heart. Shattered it to pieces. We tried to date while 3000 miles apart in college, but that was just silly. During the fall of my freshman year I had a brief affair with John Mayer. Again, though quite subtly, pictures went up.
I was in a relationship for 3.5 years though out the remainder of college. However, on occasion, I would develop little fantasy crushes here and there. Brandon Flowers of The Killers would be a perfect example. Though I did not put pictures up on walls, I bought ever magazine with his picture on the front, and collected them. Even though I was in a comfortable relationship, it was like I still believed there was something bigger and better out there for me.
I cheated on my boyfriend after moving to New York City. It was a drunken lack of judgment, and the guy kissed me first. I did not sleep with him. Though some don’t believe me (including my ex-boyfriend… actually I can hear it so perfectly. “Why did you guys break up?” says someone. “Because she fucked some other dude.” says he.) As I was saying, I didn’t sleep with him - then. At this point, my emotions and years of fantasy crushes with the combination of social networking made me develop a fantasy crush on a REAL guy. I would go onto facebook and constantly pine over his pictures. His deep gray blue eyes haunted me. When I saw him, and when I was with him, my heart would melt. He felt so perfect for me, so much that it hurt. However, as did the others, my heart was broken. He cheated on me, even though we weren’t technically in a relationship. And, as it turned out, apparently he was cheating with me, on his, or at least what I thought, was his former girlfriend. Confusing maybe? Yes.
That was my last “relationship.” Though I had momentary crushes and dates on and off, I am VERY single. I did get into a few brief fantasy crushes too. Shia Labeouf, Jim Sturgess, and James McAvoy. Although I do try to refrain from hanging pictures, (I just put images on my computer desktop thank you very much!) LaBeouf and McAvoy did make appearances on my bedroom wall. I attempted to hide them, or at least keep them minimal.
So as I stood in the shower this morning, wondering why I am incapable of interacting with good looking, charming, intelligent men, I began to recognize a huge part of my problem. This of course coming in to mind, as I am now really crushing on Noel Fielding: Androgynous British Comedian. Me and every teenage girl across the UK apparently.
But I know what’s wrong. All these fantasies represent qualities in men that I truly do look for. Be handsome, have a good sense of humor, be creative… and it wouldn’t hurt if you have dark hair and blue eyes. So when I DO find these men, that fit the mold, I am terrified. Suddenly they aren’t a picture on my wall that is frozen and unresponsive. They talk, they interact. And I am expected to talk to them! How dare they! I can never bring myself to do it though! I get scared, and shy, and I burrow into a corner. It is not healthy, and continues to remain unchanged. It will be hard to break out of this version of myself that I have been carrying with me for 14 years. But I need to try to actually start. I need to break away, grow up, and meet real people. Not stale images.